Tragically, Thankfully, and Allegedly: The Lazy News Writer’s Holy Trinity

"Whadda Ya mean 'cut the adverbs?''

For an old chronicler like me, deadline days sneak up. I try hard to get ahead of the game, but end up working under pressure to produce something readable. Sitting in silence, staring at a blank screen, considering a subject that commands more of my own heart than it might yours, I aim to examine the erosion of the English language in modern media.

It has been many years since I first found that my doctors and dentists were all younger than me. Then the television newsreaders went the same way. Today, I look at the television journalists on local Duluth television and think, “Why are they hiring teenagers now?” 

I recall barely scraping by in the high school English classes. I knew a tile layer in Las Vegas who swore his high school geometry classes were a total waste of time—even though he used angles and geometry every single day on the job. I felt the same way about English classes, not knowing that words would play a significant role in my daily life.

For most of us, someone eventually shows up to prove that our perception of the world is all wrong. For me, that day arrived when I became the publisher of a small-town newspaper. From the previous owner, I inherited a reporter and columnist, Ralph, who was a retired college professor of English and a poet. Our entire office proofread each other's copy before going to press, and he often caught my usage and grammar errors. 

Without Ralph’s gentle teaching, I learned that what I “could of” done was not the way to write the contraction of “could have”: could’ve. He also cautioned me about the overuse of contractions in general, a lesson that sits so far in the background of my feeble mind that I often forget it out of laziness. 

Another lesson of Ralph’s I will never forget is the correct usage of the words “me” and “I” in a sentence. “Ralph and me went to the City Council meeting last night” is wrong. Even my spell-checker knows that now. Ralph said, “Drop the first noun and read the sentence out loud.” When I tried “me went to the meeting,” I got the point. Every time I hear folks saying things like, “Bob and me went fishing,” it’s like fingernails on a chalkboard. 

The Bohunk tolerates my “me and I” rants, which have gone on for 30 years. I’m not sure she’s tolerating my rants about the junior journalists on television. Don’t get defensive; I know these young folk are properly educated and professionally managed and don’t always write what they read. But a little editing wouldn’t hurt.

Have you noticed a trend: whenever an obviously tragic incident is reported, the words “tragically” and “thankfully” are used? “Tragically, four homes were destroyed by the fire; but thankfully nobody was injured.” For a society that seems to want clarity from its media, no one but me seems concerned that newsreaders, young and old, are telling them what to think. Change the sentence to “Four homes were destroyed by the fire, and no one was injured.” Tragically or thankfully aren’t just unnecessary modifiers—they are editorializing, telling the audience how to feel about the facts. In my cranky old age, a slippery slope.

Allegedly is another lazy, cowardly shorthand writers use to dance around specific facts. Publishers and their lawyers, concerned about libel suits, require that any statement about the antisocial or criminal behavior of a person be modified with the word “allegedly.”  

Allegedly is the most overused, misunderstood word in modern local news. Writers use it like a magical shield, thinking they are legally protected from libel. Another burr in my saddle.

I get the need to save a publication and career from the devastating effects of entering the judicial system in this country. People are ruined every day when hurt feelings become expensive, career-destroying lawsuits. But in my humble opinion, the word has been so thoroughly abused that it has become totally meaningless.

Here’s what I mean: "Joe Blow allegedly stole the vehicle and then crashed it into the roundabout under construction on London Road." 

How much better would this be? "Joe Blow faces charges of grand theft and reckless driving after a stolen vehicle was found crashed into the London Road roundabout."

Ralph convinced me that good writing has rules that protect clarity. So here’s my intro paragraph, first draft, filled with the adverbially offensive:

For an old chronicler like me, deadline days seem to come quickly, quietly, and suddenly. I try really hard to get ahead of the game, but I finally end up having to work under extremely high pressure to produce something that's tolerably readable. Sitting here quietly, blankly staring at a screen, thinking deeply about a subject that probably means significantly more to me than it will mean to you, I hope to really get you interested in the worsening use of the English language in media today, the socially and anti-socially words that are typed and spoken with sincerity, real and phony.